So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
