My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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