she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
