So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We need to feng shui this bitch.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
