I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
