I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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