it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
