I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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