The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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