I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I would ride that face into the sunset
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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