Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
