I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
