It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
