I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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