So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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