I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
