i just wanna soil my oats bro
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
