i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
