I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize