I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
