I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you had me at cake vodka
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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