Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
