someone threw a dead crab at me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
