I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
