ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
