I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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