yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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