Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
