Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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