so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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