it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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