I feel great
I just peed on a car
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
What a dumb baby whore.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
