Buhtt sex?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
