Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
