Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My bed smells like the plague
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