We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
