you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
