I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
