our cab driver is having phone sex.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
