i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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