i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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