you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
