I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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