i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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