i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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