Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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