Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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