He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
