I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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