i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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