dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
