I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
