rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
