dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we're making bets on your personal life
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
