I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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