There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
