Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
