imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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