we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize