I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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