He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it's like heaven, but drunker
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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