Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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